Revelations
by OhWiseOne
Summary: End of Season 6. Xander came face to face with some hard truths about love while Willow cried in his arms. He shares his revelations with Buffy.


Summary:       End of season 6.  Xander vocalizes his revelations about love to Buffy.      

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.  And desperately needed.

Revelations 

It was late in the evening.  Buffy had finally persuaded Dawn to go to bed once the others had been taken care of.  Willow was sleeping in Buffy's room; Dawn suggesting that any room would be better than the one in which Tara had died.  Giles was resting in the wiccas' old room.  Both of them were still pretty badly beaten from the ordeal they had gone through.  Anya had, well, Anya had disappeared; going to wherever it was she was staying now.  But she had given Xander a hug and a kiss before leaving.  It was a good sign.  A start.

Xander and Buffy were the only two still awake.  They sat on the couch in the Summers' living room; Xander not yet ready to head home to his lonely apartment.  Buffy drank the last of the tea she had made for Giles, while Xander drank a beer.  Neither spoke for a very long time.

Finally, Buffy broke the silence.  "Do you think she'll be okay?"  Buffy glanced in Xander's direction.

Xander didn't look up from the spot he was memorizing on the floor.  "I don't know, Buf.  Giles said he'd be able to help, but I just don't know.  She killed a man.  It's going to be rough on her.  And she still has to grieve for Tara.  Maybe, maybe she'll come back to us, but I'm not expecting miracles." 

Buffy reached across the sofa, placing her hand on Xander's arm.  At the contact, the man-boy looked in her direction.  Her voice was barley above a whisper as she spoke.  "You saved us, you know.  You were the only one able to bring her back from the edge.  You were the hero today."

Xander shifted uncomfortably under Buffy's intense gaze.  "Was I?  Was I really the hero?  God Buffy, I asked her to kill me.  I told her that if she was going to end the world, she had to start with me.  Is that what a hero does?  I don't know anymore."  Xander placed his beer on the coffee table.  "I used to be so sure of things.  Right from wrong.  Black from white.  But today.  With Willow."  He shook his head.  "The rules seemed to change when I wasn't paying attention."

Buffy nodded her agreement.  For months she had ignored what was going on around her.  Well maybe not ignored.  She hadn't even had the presence of mind to acknowledge what was going on around her.  You had to know something was wrong to ignore it.  Buffy hadn't even been that involved.  "I don't think the rules changed, Xander.  I think that we're only now starting to really know what the rules are."  Buffy brushed an arrant strand of hair back from her face.  "In high school it was so simple.  See the evil, kill the evil.  But when the evil is your best friend, someone you love…"  She let the sentence trail off.  "For the first time, I think I understand what Riley felt when he left the Initiative.  To give up everything you've ever believed in.  To give that all up for the unknown.  I feel like Alice lost in Wonderland."

Xander let out a deep sigh.  Yeah, Wonderland.  He had held Willow for hours on the top of the bluff.  Just holding her, stroking her hair while she cried.  He had thought about a lot of things while comforting his best friend.  Willow had been wrong.  She had let her anger, her grief, her pain, rule her actions, but he recently had done the same.  He had hurt Anya.  He had hurt Buffy.  Maybe now was the time to make it right.  Or at least make a start.  Xander shifted his gaze away from the Slayer's.  "You love him, don't you?"

Buffy tilted her head in question.  "Love who?"  She was having a hard time following Xander's train of thought.  Weren't they talking about Willow?

Xander found his spot on the floor once again.  Revelations were new to him.  "I told Willow I loved her.  I told her I loved crayon-breaking Willow from kindergarten and veiny Willow set on destroying the world.  No matter what she did, even if she was going to do it to me, I loved her.  I love her.  Just like you love Spike."  Xander heard Buffy's sharp intake of breath, but he wouldn't be interrupted.  "No matter what he does, you love him.  I understand that now.  Before, I couldn't see it.  But after Willow, after Anya, I get it."  Xander raised his eyes to the ceiling.  "It doesn't matter what he's done in the past.  He loves you, and you trust that.  And you can't explain why you trust it, you just do.  Because deep down inside, you know it's the truth."  Xander chanced a glance in her direction.  Buffy was as pale as the vampire of whom he spoke.  "And whatever happened between him and Anya, whatever happened in the bathroom, it doesn't matter, because those were lies.  What matters is the way he's made you feel since you've been back.  And I'm sorry you couldn't tell me about it before.  I'm sorry I was such an ass about it when I did find out."

Xander grabbed Buffy's hand.  She couldn't speak, still suspended in shock.  "I can't be a hypocrite about this.  Not anymore.  Willow almost killed us.  She almost destroyed the entire planet.  But I can't hate her for it.  Tomorrow, I'll walk into her room and tell her I love her.  I'll be her shoulder to cry on.  I'll do whatever it takes to help her find herself again.  I'll stand by her no matter what happens."  There were tears in Xander's eyes.  "And I'll do it, because she's as much a part of me as you or Anya.  She's part of my soul."  Xander's voiced dropped several octaves.  "And you're Spike's soul."

Xander let Buffy's hand drop back down to the couch.  He stood up, needing to pace around the room.  He couldn't sit still anymore.  He needed to add movement to the words and feelings that were coursing through him.  "You're his conscience.  He tried to help, he tried to do the right thing because it's what you would want him to do.  And all we've ever done is mock him for it.  He's never come close to being the demon that I witnessed on the bluff.  The one that was willing to end everything just to end her own pain.  I'm sorry, Buffy.  I'm sorry I couldn't see it until now."  

Buffy's tears were flowing just as heavily as Xander's.  As the words spilled from his lips, she realized the truth behind them.  She did love Spike.  It was twisted, it was dark, it was totally wrong, but she did love him.  He had given everything he could – everything that she would allow him to give – and she had turned it away.  She had pushed HIM away.  "He's gone."  Her voice was barely above a whisper.  

Xander knelt down in front of the Slayer.  "But we'll find him.  You deserve that.  I'm sick and tired of seeing the people I care about hurt.  We'll find him, Buffy.  If that's what you want.  I promise."

The noise that escaped from Buffy's throat almost matched the anguish Xander had heard early from Willow.  And it broke his heart again.  Buffy threw herself into Xander's arms.  "Oh God, Xander.  I miss him.  I miss him so much.  I didn't let myself feel it until now, but I miss him.  I needed him today.  I need him now."  Buffy turned her tear stained face up to Xander's.  "I've hurt him worse than he's ever hurt me.  I used him.  I knew how he felt, and I used him.  Xander, I was the monster.  It was me.  It was me!"  Buffy collapsed into Xander's arms.  And for the second time that day, Xander Harris held someone he cared about as she cried out her pain.  

--TBC?????


End file.
